I was in the best shape of my life in 2019. I felt like I could do anything. Yet when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought I weighed too much. In hindsight it was not normal either. I weighed 67 kilos at 179 cm. The data said one thing. My perception said another. Now when I look at the photos I understand why my father asked if I was ok. I was. I felt great. But my mind had not caught up with what the numbers were already telling me. I had lost 16 kilos in a few years. Maybe it was too fast. Maybe what happened after 2020 meant I never had enough time to adjust to the new me. Or maybe my mindset was the issue all along.
That is the thing about perception. It filters everything. What I see is not the same as what my husband sees when he looks at me. Physics play a part, yes. But a lot gets translated through your own mindset. Your body image shifts depending on what story you are carrying at the time. And I have learned this the hard way: trust the data. It does not lie. Our perception does.
So now in 2026, with Covid and everything that came with it behind me, I am at my all time high. Again I feel fine. But the number is not really what bothers me. I am tall, so kilos hide easily. What has changed is the composition, and that is the part I cannot talk my way out of. So it is time to continue the journey. Or start it again. I think it is a little bit of both. Maybe we move in bursts through life and that is what makes it interesting. What helped me before was following progress, making the dots connect, letting the data tell the tale. I know that does not work for everyone. But I like to know if I am moving forward. No matter how small the steps.
It is harder to take care of your body without the right mindset. Everything that led me here has prepared me to be mentally resilient enough to make the change. And yet I am still struggling to be positive about my body, even though I have everything I need. As if something is stopping me and I cannot quite name it. Or I can, but shaking it is such a slow process that staying motivated is hard. Then again none of this happened in a few months. It was years of stress, pain and fundamental changes in my life that brought me here. Getting back will take time too. But this time I am doing it intentionally.
How I got to the bottom though was not intentional. It was subtle and sneaky.
So in my mind, swimming back to the surface must be subtle and sneaky too. Tiny changes. Enough to fool the lizard brain. Because in the end it is all about fight and flight trying to take over. Familiar feels safe. Change disrupts that. And that is exactly what I need to do now. Disrupt the cycle with the same method that got me here. But this time on purpose.
